I experienced grief whilst still in salaried full time work, but its impact followed me into my new phase as a freelance consultant.
I got good support from my workplace in terms of both emotional support and flexibility, but it’s actually much harder to give yourself the time off you need - especially when you don’t have anyone to delegate to.
For me the more difficult phase came over a year after my dad had passed away.
This is when the reality of his absence from my life hit me hardest. I started to experience the loss more viscerally - brought about by vivid dreams that were really upsetting and left me with a sense of despair.
I honestly think this was due to not giving myself enough time to process it when it happened.
During this short period, what I was left with was a feeling of utter despair - which quite literally means the absence of any hope. It’s impossible to work when feeling like this as everything feels pointless.
I took some time off and tried to allow myself to feel these emotions - so I could slowly move through them. Gradually the feelings passed and whilst grief never goes away it’s impact felt less intense.
No timeline on grief
I now recognise that I’d been experiencing grief for a very long time.
My dad suffered from a long term condition called Sarcoidosis and he spent over two years in and out of intensive care.
Slowly watching him deteriorate was in some ways harder than losing him. It was hard to watch, challenging to navigate the juggle of being there by his hospital bed as well as working and being a mum, and emotionally it tore me in two.
It’s impossible to work when feeling like this as everything feels pointless.
The feeling of wanting his pain to stop but not wanting him to leave us was hard to bear. I believe that we need to think about grief much more broadly; starting with those who have to care for their loved ones at the end and remembering that even years after you can get struck down by a wave of emotions.
I’ve talked about my grief a lot - sharing my experiences on LinkedIn.
For me writing down what I was feeling helped me process some of the emotions. As I reflect back on why I did this I also now recognise that I needed support.
I’m used to being the strong one that supports everyone else. The community of wonderful people I’m connected to gave me that. And I’m forever grateful for it.
However, not everyone wants to talk about grief and that’s also ok. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief or right or wrong way to cope with it. It’s important to give ourselves whatever it is we need at the time.
For me this just underlines that grief doesn’t have a timeline and it really just becomes part of how you should support your mental health more generally.
Having things in place to create a support structure.
I feel blessed that I had enough systems in place to weather this unexpected wave of emotions. From my experience the following massively helped:
Allyship:
I’ve been open about my grief from the beginning and have a strong group of allies, some of these are my clients.
If I had needed anything - more time, cover to complete the work I was committed to - I know I could have asked.
Listening to my body:
Although I partially suppressed some of my emotions when I initially lost my dad, I’ve been doing lots of work to better connect with my body, to recognise when it’s sending me important messages.
This work has happened because as a mid-life woman going through perimenopause I have had to learn to listen to my body more. All of us regardless of gender or age could benefit from doing this at times of high emotional distress like grief. Once I was listening I found it easier to give myself permission to let go of the ‘to do’ list and stop work.
There is no right or wrong way to experience grief or right or wrong way to cope with it. It’s important to give ourselves whatever it is we need at the time.
Prioritisation:
Both parenting and grief teach you huge lessons in prioritisation.
After taking a few days break I eased myself back into work - only concentrating on the important and urgent tasks - as well as the ones that I felt I could cope with.
The systems I had in place to manage my workflow were put to good use. It’s useful to project plan for the next day, the next week and the next month - keeping a record of key tasks and deadlines and blocking out time in your diary.
This enabled me to quickly see what needed to be done at a time when my brain wasn’t functioning at its normal capacity.
A financial buffer:
I’m a natural worrier so I went into freelance work with the minimum 3 month financial buffer.
Practically this allowed me to stop work for a period of time and it was essential to facilitating my recovery - it would have only added to the emotional burden if I hadn’t had this in place.
Anna’s advice to fellow freelancers:
Be kind to yourself. Without a policy to follow or a boss to support you it’s up to you to allow yourself to have the support you need.
All experiences and circumstances are different. If you don’t have the right systems in place or you need more time than these allow it’s important to ask for help.
NABS, the wellness charity for the advertising industry is a good place to turn. They have lots of resources both practical and emotional.
